He's Got My Attention

I have been struggling with the path that my life seems to be taking me for some time now (like the past 4 years). Not with my personal life (I love being married to Brent and clearly I'm head over heels in love with my precious baby girl) but with my professional life. It seems what I thought I would be doing was not what God intended me to do with my life.


Since I was about 12 or 13, I have wanted to be an architect. I can remember sitting in front of the tv watching some building show with my dad and watching as someone do a walk thru of a house. I was fascinated with the design of the house and all the cool things it had to offer. I turned to my dad and asked what the person was called that designed houses. He said an architect. In that moment I knew that is what I wanted to be. I thought it would be the coolest job in the world.


I spent the next several years (including 4 expensive years in college) learning how to design homes. I loved designing and it seemed like the right fit. I just knew this is what I was going to do for the rest of my life.

After graduating college, I decided to take a year off to build up my portfolio before applying to grad school. I still had no doubt that I would get into a school somewhere and that this was the right path for me.


At the end of the year after all applications had been sent off, I told God that if this was my plan to be an architect then allow me to get into one of the grad programs I had applied to. I told him that if I didn't get into any then I would assume this was not the path for me. I prayed for peace and understanding whatever his will shall be.


After 3 'thank you for applying but...', I was completely devastated. I remember calling Brent after the third letter arrived crying murmuring words like 'failure', 'not good enough', and 'what am I going to do now?' I was lost and had no idea what God had planned for me but clearly it was not to be an architect. My dream was gone.


I'm stilling trying to come to grips with the way things turned out. You would think after 4 years I would have accepted the reality but it is hard watching a dream wither away.


Recently, I have discovered the book Plan B by Pete Wilson. I haven't read it all but what I have read it seems like the book was written just for me (I'll do a post when I'm done reading it). The concept of the book is what do you do when God doesn't show up the way you thought he would. What happens when all the things you had planned on doesn't happen. He talks about us feeling abandoned by God when things don't turn out the way we thought they would and that is exactly how I feel. I feel as if God has forgotten all about me. I mean is being an A/P clerk all I'm ever going to be? Surely he has bigger plans for me, right?


Lately I have this strange feeling that God is trying to get my attention. Ever since I started reading the book, I have heard the Revelation Song every time I turn on the radio. I mean I hear it EVERY time. Most of the time 2 or 3 times. In one day I heard it 5 or 6 times (on the way to church, the youth choir sang it during the service that morning, on the way home from church and then 2 more times bouncing in and out of the car later that day). Its getting a little weird! I'm positive God is reminding me that he is who he says he is and that he will take care of me. He knows what is best for me and I have to trust him fully.

I'm praying daily that I let this part of my go and turn it over to him. The control freak in me still trying to hold on but my heart is telling me to give it up. I'm going to wear myself out trying to do it on my own.

I'm sure most of you have felt the same at some point in your life and you aren't interested in hearing me whine about my life. But this post was more about getting the thoughts out of my head than anything. It seems to make me feel better! :) I'm hoping after I finish Plan B I will better equipped to handle my plan b. I'll let you know how it goes!